humility

Friends! It has been way too long since my last post, college is pretty nuts as far as spare time goes-plus I'm the type that basically becomes a slug when I have any moment of free time (not good for keeping up with things like this). Anywho, God has been teaching me some major stuff recently and I thought I'd share it with all of you.

So, God has a way of making his points QUITE clear when He wants to...I'm currently reading battling unbelief by John Piper and just started the chapter called "battling pride". He starts the chapter by quoting C.S. Lewis: 

The pleasure of pride is like the pleasure of scratching.

If there is an itch one does want to scratch;

but it is much nicer to have neither the itch nor the scratch.

As long as we have the itch of self-regard

we shall want the pleasure of self-approval;

but the happiest moments are those when we forget our 

precious selves and have neither but have everything else

(God, our fellow humans, animals, 

the garden and the sky) instead.

My thoughts exactly, but put more eloquently (just a little more, I'm sure...)

I mean, really, who wants to admit that they have problems with being prideful? In any area? Who are we to boast in anything other than our undeserved salvation? Did you catch that? I said undeserved, as in we have nothing to do with it, therefore no reason to be prideful in the sole good thing about ourselves (apparently our hearts do not always entirely get this). And pride isn't even necessarily thinking we are better, just thinking with regard to ourselves. As in, thinking about ourselves at all-the good, the bad or the ugly. Any focus we have should be on the one who deserves it because what good can really come from studying ourselves and our sin? Just an increased amount of pride and therefore dissatisfaction because we always fail ourselves. In school, relationships, achievements- you name it, we've probably failed at it at least once. 

Piper defines unbelief as "a species of unbelief...a turning away from God and his Son in order to seek satisfaction in other things...specifically to take satisfaction in self."

Then I read 1 Peter 5:4 "God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble." I then shuffled back a book to James and read ch 4 vs 5, which also quotes the same exact scripture, word for word. I kind of chuckled to myself about how funny God is, really pushing this issue. Again, went back a couple books (I suppose I might read like a weirdo) to Philippians 2, titled Imitating Christ's Humility. 

Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others."

In this passage, we're commanded to be like Christ as He made himself nothing, taking the very nature of a servant...humbled himself and became obedient to death... Then God exalted him to the highest place.

Piper reasons that the antidote is, "...the wakening and strengthening of faith in future grace."

At first, I didn't understand at all what God was trying to teach me through these verses and this book. I mean, obviously this all has to do with my prideful heart, but honestly, most of the time I don't feel prideful. In fact, lately I've been struggling with feeling good enough even knowing I am made righteous through Christ. Then Piper addressed this in the section, "The Camouflaged Pride of Anxiety".

Now this is something I can relate to. These past couple of weeks, with four tests in four days, the nursing honors applications coming out and some problems re-surfacing from my past I have been anxious about something different almost every day.

Piper explains this might look like humility, admitting we can't do something, it's actually sinful. He brings up Isaiah 51: "I-the Lord, your Maker-I am He who comforts you, who promises to take care of you; and those who threaten you are mere men who die. So your fear must mean that you do not trust me. You must think that your protection hangs on you. And even though you are not sure that your own resources will take care of you, yet you opt for fragile self-reliance, rather than faith in future grace. So all your trembling-weak as it is-reveals pride." He then mentions 1 Peter 5:6-7 (which I just read) saying one way to be humble is to cast all our anxieties on him and humble ourselves. 

Faith casts anxieties on God. Pride won't. Therefore, the way to battle the unbelief of pride is to admit freely that you have anxieties, and to cherish the promise of future grace in the words, "He cares for you."

The problem is our focus. If it's on ourselves, we're going to see our faults, our shortcomings, where we don't measure up and how we can't. This is beyond discouraging. But take heart my incredible friends, because the greatest news we've ever gotten is that we are not in charge here. When we look to Him-the Creator of the universe, the beginning and the end, the Great I Am-it's impossible to be discouraged! When we know that we're in His hands, forever and ever and He'll never let go of us, even when we doubt Him and become anxious and distracted, there is so much hope. And perfect hope like this makes our anxieties, no matter how big or small, look insignificant. This is the part where the joy just wells up inside me, brings me to grateful tears and I can't keep from smiling and praising His name because we are SO undeserving, and yet, He has decided to love and cherish us as His children. 

If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!-Matthew 7:11

India-third real day

Sorry I got behind a day, not a lot of free time in our schedules. I'll make it a goal to get caught up tomorrow.


In the morning we visited another school supported by a Christian man intended for poor children. The hospitality of the Indian people is something unparalleled in the States. After our program they took us into a cool room, set up chairs and a fan and brought us snacks with drinks. The man told us the story of how he started with only 17 students and now has over 400 at his school. Getting to see the ways God has blessed the faithful in India by allowing the numbers in ministries to grow incredibly is so exciting!

 In the afternoon we were able to go to the medical camp which was the part of the trip I was most looking forward to. At first I was disappointed that I wasn't actually doing medical work but I was soo thankful I was given the job of praying with the patients. I was surprised at their willingness to be prayed for; Hindus and Muslims allowed us to pray for them and even brought children and babies to us. Although some couldn't understand us it was still an amazing experience.

We prayed not only for their physical health but their spiritual walk as well, that they would see Christ's love through our ministry and seek after it. Dr. Go, the doctor from HBI charged only 10 rupees or 25 cents for the medical work-my Indian friend Sonal explained to me that they would do it for free but the government required them to charge for the service to avoid doctors giving out faulty medicine.

Three little girls that spoke some english repeatedly came up to me to talk. They pinched my cheeks and told me I was very nice and pretty and I told them they were crazy if they didn't think the same of themselves. After we talked some more the one in the green scarf (pictured below) asked if I was a Christian. I told her I was, and she told me she was a Hindu. I wondered if something that seems minor like meeting me and knowing my faith could possibly make a difference in her life. I know it could be her only experience with Christ and I'm praying God will use it on that sweet girl.

India-second real day

What a difference in these two days. We practiced a lot at night and today went much smoother. We visited two schools in the morning and one in the afternoon. The first school had 900 kids but we could only fit 400 into the space where we did our program. They really loved the songs and were super responsive to our teaching. Some of the children were Hindu but the school was Christian (the principal let them in as a service to the community and a way of spreading the gospel) so it was really cool to get to reach out to them in an environment where we could speak freely.

The second school was in a remote village and we were the first visitors the school had ever had. Our friend from HBI worked on Christian radio with the owner of the church/school and got us connected. The children were sooo excited to see us and I felt like such a vessel from God.We talked to the owner of the church and his mom afterwords and he told us that his father started the church from scratch and now there are over 200 believers there. He wanted us to go to his church and pray in it before we left and it reminded me how much power our God has. In America we limit his abilities with our idea of practicality and being reasonable. We forget that He is the God that created this universe and certainly has power over His creation. Simply put, we wrongly attribute our weaknesses to an all powerful God.

The third school we visited used to be a government run school but had switched managements so there weren't as many kids there. At first they seemed kind of reserved and cold but once we sang undignified and trading my sorrows for them they got really excited. We sang them again and the second time our team went where they were standing and danced with them. The interaction was such a God thing because some of our team members are normally very reserved but they felt comfortable enough to go be with the students. After, we learned most of the students came from Hindu families and even some of the teachers were Hindu but we were able to still do our program and pray for them. God has funny timing-the first day was already going to be hard but He challenged us further. The second day He makes very rewarding and comforts us as we realize we can do nothing without Him.

India-first real day

God has clearly been teaching me patience. Through this, endurance too. I switch back and forth from frustration and exhaustion throughout the day. Our team has had some difficulty with organization in the program we use for the schools we visit.


Yesterday we visited a "senior citizens home" which were codewords for a place for the destitute, mentally challenged and dying. We saw a lot of hard things but we were able to pray for them. I saw a side of India I never thought existed and was able to do something about it. We went from person to person praying for comfort from the God of all comfort and the reminder that these men were still children of God despite their health or acceptance from society. Many of them were just skin and bones-I've never seen people so skinny. One of the men I prayed for had a baseball sized tumor on his forehead. At first I was taken aback-not at their conditions, rather that I had no idea what to pray for. Healing? Or just comfort through sickness? Expect a miracle or assume God's working despite death? The ones we prayed with were the healthy ones out of the group; there were many more who couldn't sit through our program. Do I take back thankfulness for my health or does this equate me with the Pharisee that thanked God that he was better than the broken tax collector next to him?


That afternoon we visited the Paul Gupta school on campus and through our performance was disorganized, we were able to make many children smile.



Hard days, but God is teaching me slowly things I could have never learned in the U.S.

bragging

can i just say that i have the best friends? no, seriously, this is sad-bragging time...sagging time. lately i've been thinking about going to college (mostly because everywhere i go it gets brought up) and it's been dragging me down. that might sound ridiculous because most people can't wait to get out of wherever they are, but i just keep thinking about leaving all the people i've grown to love so much! just look at these awesome girls!

erin and taylor-flo rida

adiam's grad party-natalie, ellen, hillary, sarah, mikela, me, hannah, adiam, jenny and kelsey

me and mikela, pre-graduation

 

adiam, natalie, me-right after graduation

before prom-hannah, hillary, ellen, me, brooke, nicole

 

ncl ceremony for friends-me and adiam

 

 me, ellen, mikela, adiam and hillary at the needtobreathe concert! (incredible)

see? so many beautiful beautiful memories with these women. honestly, i've fallen in love with all of them. this love has lead to extensive pre-separation anxiety and it sucks. SO SO glad that i've had the privilege of even knowing them. i love them all so dearly. they're the coolest girls you'll ever meet and they make me laugh so hard i cry on a regular basis. not many high school girls can call each other sisters in christ and not feel weird about it, but that describes my relationships with these precious women exactly. i cannot say enough how much i love you all and how much i'll miss you in our time apart.

clarity

my dad often describes life as a river. he says we're in an inner tube, and we can choose to paddle or we can let the current take us where it pleases.

i'll be honest. i don't always paddle.


i find myself somewhere entirely unfamiliar with jealous, unpleasant, sinful, hateful thoughts. i think to myself, how did i get here? when did i decide that this was okay? then i realize it wasn't a decision. i just lost my oars. i frantically start looking to friends, family, shopping, boys, etc to provide a way out, only to realize that they all fall short, as wonderful as they are. that i can't rely on my own willpower or the willpower of others to take me where i need to go but only on the one that decided long ago that he would paddle for me. folks, i'll admit it. i need Jesus. completely. 100% need him. life is just not the same when i get distracted.


when i look at a beautiful sunset (sadly i'm not usually up in time for the sunrises) or a baby girl smiles at me or a mango tastes particularly sweet, i want to melt. not always. usually i overlook my #1 fan's attempts to brighten my day but when i open my eyes for just a second and see a glimpse of what he's done in my life it's overwhelming. gives me strength to paddle. only when i laugh the hardest, smile the most and appreciate the many blessings i've been given by Him am i seeing things in clarity.

waiting

Waiting just might be the hardest thing we have to deal with. Some might argue that it's peer pressure, or money matters, or relationships but when it boils down to it I believe it's the process of waiting for whatever it is we want or need that kills us. Waiting sparks insecurity in what we already have and uncertainty about the things to come. So this particular blog is about (you guessed it!) waiting.

As a young christian woman, there are many things I'm planning on waiting for that aren't exactly the norm for girls my age. My latest frustration happens to be waiting on the right guy. most girls prefer to "live in the moment" and give guys chances, whereas the Bible clearly teaches us to guard our hearts for the one whom God chose for us. If you know me well, I've probably spoken to you about this particular frustration. It was probably in a whiny manner with the phrase "it's just not fair" somewhere in the conversation, and some other excuses about my vicious cycle of whining. As a Christian, I'm expected to be "equally yoked", a phrase that I've started to dread because it seems nearly impossible given my past and current "selection" (if you will). While this might seem petty and immature to some of you, it's a real problem to many young girls today (not excluding the guys, I just haven't spoken to many about this particular struggle) and it's a problem I feel pretty unequipped to fight. I know all the rules and reasons behind not dating christian guys, and while it all makes plenty of sense, putting it into practice (for me) translates into not dating. and boy, on a friday night this seems like you're asking me not to breathe.

Perhaps this difficulty resides in the fact that I've just graduated so it's very difficult to expect positive changes with these problems in college when I haven't gone yet, and I realize this problem is also one of a lack of faith that God will provide or maybe I need to consider that God is calling me to a life of singleness (I'm not being dramatic. just mapping out the possibilities.) However, I've grown weary of those not experiencing this difficulty themselves simply writing it off as another adolescent being an eager beaver, and thinking that it's always been like this. This has become a huge problem. I've seen some of the strongest girls around me giving in to guys who have no intentions of seeking god or even faking it just because they feel lonely. This loneliness is RAMPANT; we look around at girls without restrictions and see pictures on facebook of them kissing their boyfriends and a voice inside of us screams that something isn't right. where has this companionship that God created gone? Why do I feel as if guys have the right to treat me however they want, and why do I blame myself the second something goes wrong? This might seem like an angry rant of a hormone-infested teenage girl, but I'd like for you to pray for us. The girls of this generation are growing weary and slowly giving up the fight. There are those of us who have managed to make it out of high school alive and intact, but the number is dwindling. If god put some encouragement on your heart when you read this, I'd love to hear it. but i don't want to be treated as if I'm overreacting anymore because I've seen some of my dearest friends get caught up in the fight and some damage seems irreversible. pray for our purity. pray for our spirits. pray/expect god to show up and change this overlooked pit that so many girls have fallen into and do not see a way out of. I believe there is always a way out and no one is beyond redemption. That truth applies to my generation of young men and women and our lifeline is prayer.